🌱 planted 240708
thoughts after reading ask polly: how do i stop being so obsessed with my boyfriend?
as someone who hasn’t been in a long-term relationship in (mumble mumble) years, i wonder every now and then if there’s something i’m missing.
- feeling like i’m missing out on something – the affection, the emotional connection, all the fluffy cute things that romance brings
- i grew up loving love and romance so i think that part of me is disappointed, and takes it against myself.
- am i not the sort of person built for romance? am i too much or too little of something, and should i change that? never mind that i haven’t met anyone i feel able to be in a long-term relationship with
- feelings surrounding the amount of time i’ve spent single – i see it as a problem, an area where i’m lacking
it was only after reading this article that i realized oh… i have never, ever had this problem. i have never felt the urge to model my life after someone else.
it’s a weird, new experience. whenever i read smth that wrangles with A Problem (which are most of the things i read) i’ll usually recognize that Problem from my own life – something i’ve experienced or something i’m currently wrangling with or even something i expect to struggle with in the future. if it’s good writing, i’ll usually be able to connect to it in spite of how different the problem is.
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i’m reading cindy house’s “mother noise” which deals with heroin addiction, something i have zero experience with – but cindy captures such universal feelings
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i am not saying this ask polly article is bad writing – far from it
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the endeavor to be more yourself is something i have down
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but also: this is a fear i have! sanding myself down, dulling the parts of my personality i’m fond of… will i do that if i’m ever interested in someone?
- in college i was obsessed with finding someone to like me, desperate for romantic validation in my new co-ed space (shout out to my all girls school). it is cringey to look back on so i will not elaborate, but thankfully the schools
- i cannot tell what the difference is between “easing people into me” vs “dumbing myself down”
i recently had the thought that i’ve felt more myself these days than i have in years. my blog has a record of some anxiety episodes, and i’m not ruling out the eventuality of another one, but in the past month i feel i’ve evened out a little, or just been happier with how i’m living. (i think a lot of that has to do with the changes i’ve made since starting weightlifting – i go to bed before 2am now, please clap!)
i work on a site i built only last year from near-zero coding knowledge, draw a lot, meet up with friends, spend time with family. i have traveled on my own, done so much with my life that i’m happy about and have chosen to do myself, out of my own personal interest
realized recently that i’m genuinely more comfortable being on my own > partnered and unhappy
i am trying to register the compliments i get more, internalize them. on my website i get a lot of comments on how much thought i put into each page and entry. everything i made feels like me / “uniquely mine”