important note
pretty much all of the text here (and on anything in the snippets folder) is not mine. i either took notes based on what i gathered from them or copy-pasted them verbatim from a thread or article. i didn’t think i’d ever make my garden public, so i didn’t note down sources, but am marking this post with the #📌cbtt tag so i know to try and hunt all my sources down. apologies for the Poor Netiquette…
your ego is most interested in your own approval btw
no one can ever compliment or love or validate you in a way that will mean something to you if you don’t believe you deserve it
other people may think you are inadequate but that will hold little weight unless you agree with them and if you agree with them is it out of wisdom - that you could be acting in a way you’d respect more? you can just do that
validation - whether it’s from you or from other people - is only going to satisfy you, silence the insecure beast in your head - if you feel like it was given to you for Good Reason
your ego recognizes empty soothing
so the question is, what do you have to do to reliably deserve your own approval
if the answer is something you couldn’t realistically do you’re probably unfairly denying yourself your own kindness
if it’s something you’re not doing but could, you have your answer
being apologetic about inadequacies in an attempt to be self-aware is unhelpful and just draws attention to them – prob more so than if you had not done that (link)
- related: if you cringe at and are embarrassed by who you are or what you do, you are essentially inviting the world to judge you vs. when you just show up as you are unapologetically, the world tends to assume there’s nothing strange happening there, that there is no need to judge you.
There’s a moment when a person starts fearing the shoddy, half-lived life of indulged anxiety more than the cold millstone of courage, and something instantly changes in them. They become spiritually taller and three times as attractive
I deal with rejection in two phases:
- Preparation: Pragmatic and unemotional. I make a list of places to send and I send to those places and when I have done that, my part is done, I just have to wait.
- Result: I view it as data and move on.
But it’s mostly about decoupling your sense of value and worth from the result. Lots of brilliant things get rejected. Lots of not so brilliant things get published. The ideal is to make art you feel proud of and see if you can find collaborators who feel the same.
I started worrying less about being misunderstood when I realized people who give a fuck will ask for clarity. The others are already dedicated to a narrative, and that’s their story to live with.
the correct use of the “can detect bullshit” skill is not “put up with a lot of bullshit” it’s “get the fuck out when you sense bullshit” goddammit
You’re not special or a better person for having xyz thing (read: don’t be rude and arrogant and condescending), but you should also own it. Don’t be apologetic for it.
find ways to better make your gifts and talents appreciable (AKA able to be understood easily by others)
- it’s not as simple as “advocate for yourself” though that’s an ingredient
- it’s mostly a skill which requires modeling how other people perceive you, and how you could make it easy for them to see what you see in yourself
a guy on tiktok just rocked my world a bit? he was saying how many people label themselves ‘self-aware’ when what they actually are is just addicted to shame. for all the things they can list that they suck at and need to work on, you ask them what they’re good at and……..
kind of heartbreaking? esp with this misconception that shame is a great motivator when it’s just… not? drawing energy from what you thrive at feels like a far better way to live than being guided by the electric fence of your own mistakes and fears lol
high achievers (and even “normal” achievers who simply are not depressed) are able to run towards the danger. when i’m at my best, i show up to events even if i’ve had a shitty day at work. i try to network with other creators even though i am jealous and feel mildly intimidated by them. i don’t let my fear dwarf the potential benefits of showing up. and most of the time, having done the scary thing, i feel much more capable than i did before.
during my depressed states, i avoid all sorts of discomfort. maybe i felt self-loathing about how other people are so much cooler and better than me, so i’m going to cancel my plans with people for the rest of the day. these past few months, i was in a low patch, and i didn’t socialize with new people at all. i got stuck in the limiting belief my mind constructed for myself, that uncomfortable situations mean i should avoid them.